5 Things We Learned From The Prem After Matchweek 1

Saturday mornings used to be the most enjoyable part of my week.

Now, I feel like I’m watching my ex-girlfriend. She’s moved on with her life. She hangs with a completely different crowd now. And to be honest, she’s sexier than ever. While I wake up early Saturday mornings, to follow live tweets about a visit from Rotherham, or a trip to Huddersfield. #LifeAfterRelegation

Having spilled my feelings and bitterness to you, here are the five things we learned from a thrilling opening weekend to the 2016/17 Premier League season.

1) Conte figured out how to sell soccer to Americans
It didn’t work when Will Ferrell and Mike Ditka tried it in the highly underrated cult classic Kicking & Screaming. But 4-2-4 is the formation that continually teases the audience “there’s going to be a goal here!” Antonio Conte got his winner courtesy of a hungry, and mildly less petulant, Diego Costa.

Chelsea very much look like a team prepared to wear down their opponents over the course of a match, and pounce when the time is right. How Italian of them. They won’t win matches by many goals, but they will win many matches.

Watching Eden Hazard and Willian come off in a 1-1 game must have had most Chelsea fans thinking, “oh God. This guy’s just happy to win one point on his debut!” But all three subs looked inspired and really upped the pressure on West Ham‘s tired defense. I didn’t think we’d ever see Victor Moses in a Chelsea shirt again. He didn’t look half bad! And I’m talking about his play! Those Chelsea tops are awful.

Chelsea probably could have been more creative. Despite James Collins‘ fine equaliser, West Ham really didn’t seem up for it Monday night. Conte’s side would have had the opportunity to create more chances with Cesc Fabregas on the pitch instead of one of either N’Golo Kanté or Nemanja Matic.

Lucky for Conte, he’s got about 55 more matches to play around with things.

2) Man United have got their swagger back
We knew Manchester United would be a different side with José Mourinho running the show. And while it was just the season opener away to Bournemouth, it was clear to see that United have this aura about them that they haven’t had since winning the title three years ago. Scary to think what they’ll look like once Paul Pogba reintegrates himself back in to the team.

You can already see Zlatan Ibrahimovic‘s confidence wearing off on his teammates. In two matches now, they’ve played with a composure that was rarely noticeable under LVG.  Wayne Rooney wasn’t all that impressive, but he’s certainly been worse and if he gets his name on the scoresheet every time he plays a match like that, he’s going to keep his place in the side.

3) Wenger will panic buy on Deadline Day
Have we unknowingly stumbled on to a near decade-long conspiracy where Arsene Wenger leaves all his business until the last few days of the window so that Sky Sports can keep “Jim White Day” going?

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t read or hear “injury crisis” and “Arsenal” in the same sentence.  There’s a great game show brewing at The Emirates: “who’s this guy you’ve never heard of before in Wenger’s XI?” That game works for reading transfer rumours as well.

Buckle up and prepare to read endless unknowns from the lesser televised regions of Europe linked with a move to the Gunners. Or, maybe Wenger will just wait for captain Per Mertesacker to return from injury in five months.

Certainly Rob Holding deserved a better debut than that? Word was Francis Coquelin had been training next to Callum Chambers in pre-season. That could be the centreback pairing when Arsenal visit champions Leicester in Saturday’s late kickoff.

4) Children’s crests are SO in right now
Not to enrage all you Manchester City and West Ham supporters. You’re an incredibly passionate and loyal bunch. Your teams have real history and tradition. So why on earth have the badges become so simplistic they look like they were designed on Snapchat?

5) Hull will not be relegated on zero points
Fueled by the last placed predictions of everyone from Hull to Hong Kong, and the presence of the champions in the first Premier League match of this new season, the Tigers showed us that magic isn’t reserved simply for Leicester. I thought a Leicester win was the lock of the weekend. Clearly I know nothing. And Claudio Ranieri meant it when he said, “staying up is the focus.”

NOTABLE MENTION
Pep Guardiola doesn’t have the Hart for Shrewsbury Joe. Really don’t know why he would wait til the start of the season to send that message to Hart, everyone watching, and most importantly, clubs with a goalkeeper to sell. Willy Caballero will do the trick for now. He genuinely appears to relish the role of sweeper keeper. But expect a bigger name to walk in to The Etihad before the window closes.

Jürgen Klopp didn’t realise he hired his doppelgänger when he convinced fitness coach Andreas Kornmayer to trade Bavaria for Merseyside. Or, more likely, Klopp knew that having Kornmayer around would help protect him from angry players and fans when these three-a-day training sessions put half the squad on the disabled list. One of them must drive a Saab still, right? #ArchitectsGlasses

Watch out Gary Lineker: Andy Townsend is coming for you mate! And he didn’t even need to take his clothes off.

I really enjoyed the Premier League Productions ‘Matchday Live’ half-time and post-match set up with just Townsend and former Canadian Owen Hargreaves standing in a poshy looking footballer’s cottage, speaking about Chelsea and West Ham like a couple of pros just bantering All that was missing was a couple of pints on that monitor/table. Though now that hosts have been replaced from host-worthy analysts, I better re-start the “backup” career plans…

5 Things We Learned From The Prem This Weekend – Feb. 15

I want to start by apologizing to Francesco Guidolin for predicting that he may never lose another match again. While it was three points dropped, relegation fears on the Welsh south coast are a waste of good energy.

1) Danny Welbeck is alive
10 months away, we forgot he was still a Gunner. 12 minutes on the pitch, and Danny Welbeck has Arsenal in the driver’s seat for the Premier League title, in many people’s eyes. Poetic really. That win Sunday could light the charge that powers Arsenal back. It wouldn’t hurt to drop out of either the FA Cup or set themselves back considerably against Barcelona in the Champions League next week.

2) Leicester can anywhere, with anyone
Even if they only have 10 men on the pitch. I can’t say Arsenal and Tottenham are in the driver’s seat, because I still think Leicester have the better schedule. The advantage of rising to the top overnight, you’re not fighting on multiple fronts right away. By the time Leicester return to Premier League action against Norwich on February 27th, they will have had one week completely switched off in the (Spanish, or Dubai) sun, and another figuring it out on the training ground.

3) Man City are not title challengers
Last week’s humiliating collapse at home to The Fantasy Foxes was not the first indication. But Sunday’s inability to keep the ball away from Tottenham’s playmakers was the Final nail in the coffin for me. I don’t see how they can catch any of the three clubs in front of them.

4) Losing at Sunderland isn’t SO bad
Well, not when you have the Europa league to look forward to! LVG seems quite content to put all his eggs into that Thursday afternoon basket. United began the season expecting to finish in the top four, at the very least. Now their best chance of bringing meaningful European nights back to Old Trafford next season is by winning the Back Garden Cup? Yikes.

5) When you’ve never been relegated, the only way to go down is in slow, painful, agony
Can’t think of Another way to explain what Aston Villa are doing to their loyal, success deprived fanbase.

5 Things We Learned From The Prem This Weekend – Jan. 18

1) LVG’s self confidence swings on a pendulum
A month ago Louis van Gaal didn’t think he was fit for the job. Now after a five game unbeaten run, he sees his team in a title race. Not everyone else does, but just seven points back of Arsenal there’s plenty more reason to be optimistic at Old Trafford. Even nine points wouldn’t be insurmountable, I mean there is still plenty of football left to be played. But this team isn’t capable of winning the title. Even with Wayne Rooney‘s regained scoring form. He single handily can carry United to a Top 4 finish, and that is a title in itself.

2) Eight minutes of stoppage time is a real thing
Once found in only the degenerate tales of frustrated Qatar Stars League gamblers, Mike Jones showed us something as rare as a unicorn dressed as a Mountie. (That’s a Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer, for those who don’t get the reference.) He didn’t see that John Terry was offside before he put his cheeky flick passed Tim Howard. But hey if eight minutes is the standard for a six goal second half, then I hope we see many more matches like that.

3) Leicester will play out the season like a Jose Mourinho side
If there was any doubt that Leicester have retired the swashbuckling, no fear football that had them top of the table at Christmas, Saturday’s trip to Villa Park confirmed it. The Foxes were the better side in the first half and deserved leaders, although they missed a penalty. Aston Villa were the better side in the second half, and should’ve had a penalty. How Roger East didn’t see Robert Huth throwing his sharp German elbow through the face of Libor Kozák as a clear cut penalty, I’ll never understand. But when the ball struck Rudy Gestede’s hand in the build-up to his equalising goal East could’ve blown up and stopped play. So maybe Villa are finally going to get some good fortune they’re long overdue.

But what surprised me most was Leicester’s lack of urgency in the final 10 minutes. Vardy had a real chance to win it, but apart from that Leicester seemed fully content to wait for a counter-attacking opportunity. There was no rush to get the ball back in play or pressure Villa off it. Exactly the opposite of the team that ran the table in the fall. But fully reflective of a side that will only take calculated risks to protect their position. Claudio Ranieri won’t see Saturday’s match as two points dropped, but top spot regained. He should be disappointed.

4) Arsene Wenger thinks far more of football fans than he should
The Frenchman has been around long enough to know that no matter how much Premier League match tickets cost, a large percentage of attending supporters will never be mature role models. Stoke’s chants of “Aaron Ramsey, he walks with a limp” rattled Wenger to the core. Or, maybe he was taking a page out of Jose Mourinho‘s book and distracting attention from how poorly his team played. The Britannia is a difficult ground to win at, but after watching Leicester drop points at Villa Park on Saturday, Arsenal need to play with a lethal urgency and control what they can if they’re going to be champions come May.

5) Spending money is scary. But you’ve got to do it
One can only imagine the relief Eddie Howe felt when Benik Afobe found the back of the net on his Cherries debut. The future England boss hasn’t hid his concern about Bournemouth‘s record spending this month. And while the £10 million it cost to bring Afobe down from Wolves will only be justified when they stay up come May, Bournemouth showed just how much better they are than Norwich and continue to pull away from the bigger, more established clubs whose struggles seem never ending. Sunderland.

NOTABLE MENTION
Swansea did something few others have been able to this season: shut down Odion Ighalo and Troy Deeney. It’s a massive three points for a club that may not regret sacking Garry Monk mid-season after the odd, yet incredibly exciting appointment of Francesco Guidolin. But I think Swansea will rue the decision to sell Jonjo Shelvey to Newcastle. He seems exactly the type of player you want in a desperate fight. He’s walked right in to Steve McLaren‘s side and will most certainly help Newcastle in theirs.

Full credit to Mark Bunn for making the very most of his opportunity with Aston Villa toiling away at the bottom. Having hardly seen any action since leaving Norwich in the summer, Bunn followed up a fortunate clean sheet with an admirable performance against a title challenger. His penalty save on Riyad Mahrez yielded one of the loan positive Villa appearances on MOTD all season.

Kevin Mirallas is a game changer. On his day. I’ll never get tired of seeing quality goals like that. Mirallas is a player that deserves more regular football, but if he can’t earn it consistently at a club like Everton, he’ll struggle to get in to the Belgium squad this summer.

5 Things To Watch In The Prem This Weekend – Jan. 16

1) Is LVG changing his ways?
United fans were beside themselves watching Tuesday’s 3-3 draw up on Tyneside. Not because relegation threatened Newcastle fought their way back from 2-0 down, but because LVG attempted to beat the Magpies with something very popular among forward thinking managers who are not him: pace. A trip to Anfield facing a side on the brink of setting a Guinness World record for group hamstring injuries, is a great time to employ it. Playing Anthony Martial and Jesse Lingaard made United a real threat and if Wayne Rooney continues to score goals, the Red Devils will find it easier to string together performances that will yield results AND silence their critical fanbase.

2) Do Tottenham want to win the league as much as Sunderland want to stay in it?
Completely valid question. Would never have expected Sunderland to win at Swansea, and I know they were the beneficiary of some questionable officiating. Not to mention Jermain Defoe performing like he’s 25. And losing 1-0 to a fellow title rival is usually nothing to hang your head about. But if Spurs are legit title contenders, it’s not Leicester they can be excused for dropping points against. I don’t believe they are in a title race. But Mauricio Pochettino has all the pieces to make a Top 4 run this spring, and given the failures of bigger teams around them have little excuse for not doing so.

3) Can Everton finally win at Stamford Bridge?
They may never be in a better position to do something they haven’t been able to in 21 trips to West London. Everton‘s draw away to Man City midweek was not just a valuable point taken off a title contender, but in fact the first scoreless draw at The Etihad since 2010. That’s no small feat. Considering Chelsea have wanted to buy Everton’s entire backline in recent years, it will be a real challenge for Diego Costa and Co. to find the back of the net. Despite their six match unbeaten run since Jose Mourinho‘s departure, the Blues are just six points up on Sunderland and Guus Hiddink seems well aware of the disastrous possibility of being pulled into a relegation battle with a trip to The Emirates next on the calendar.

4) Will Leicester regain their scoring touch?
A trip to Villa on Saturday will reveal Leicester‘s true identity. I know that sounds crazy, but so does the fact that The Foxes have scored just one goal in their last four matches. Leicester look increasingly aware of their position. They’re playing tighter and taking less risk than they were to start the season. Leicester won’t outscore their opposition by three or four anymore. But they’re fully capable of doing so against Villa. If they want to.

5) Will West Ham fans ever tire of Jonjo Shelvey’s resemblance to Voldemort?
I know it isn’t nice to tease someone about their lack of attractiveness. But there is something continually hilarious about West Ham fans chanting “Harry Potter is coming for you!” every time Jonjo Shelvey takes the pitch against their beloved Hammers. The travelling few will certainly make the most of their opportunity when Shelvey makes his Newcastle debut. Expected to fit right in to Steve McLaren‘s side, Shelvey provides a huge boost to The Magpies survival hopes. Exactly what went wrong at Swansea will likely never come out, and despite the suggestions that Shelvey thinks rather highly of himself, he is a talented footballer that has a lot to contribute. Particularly when the fighting gets rough.

5 Things We Learned From the Prem Midweek – Jan 14

1) Leicester won’t outscore their opposition by two or three anymore. But they’ll still win
What do you think your bookie’s odds would have been on the headline “Robert Huth wins it for Leicester“? Hell of a goal from a defender that didnt’t threaten enough for Mark Hughes‘ liking. It doesn’t matter how they win anymore, as long as they continue to take points off the teams around them. Wednesday’s match at White Hart Lane was far more important for The Foxes’ top 4 aspirations than for Spurs’. Largely because since the start of the Christmas period Leicester have looked like a team fully aware of their position; less willing to play wide open and free.

Conservative football continually yields results for teams at the top. And Italians. Can’t blame Ranieri for adopting that approach. While the swashbuckling entertainment has taken a back seat, what’s still there is a determination to outwork their opponents at all costs. Who to replace Mahrez and Vardy with in my fantasy team is a scary question…

2) Horrendous January weather provides brilliant matches
The first thirty minutes at Anfield on Wednesday was some of the very best football I’ve seen all season. Liverpool started the match like a house on fire, forcing Arsenal to unleash their title worthy quality. It wasn’t easy, and in the end it wasn’t enough. But Liverpool’s drive got the best out of Arsene Wenger‘s men. Even in a title chasing season, a point at Anfield, in a thrilling back-and-forth match like that, is nothing to hang your head about. Unless of course, that’s the match where you can circle with conviction as “the one that cost you the title at season’s end.”

3) Manchester United’s success depends on Wayne Rooney
I didn’t think Rooney had any quality goals left in him. Did you? Small sample, but he’s looked better over the last two weeks than in the last two years. Four goals in three matches since the turn of the calendar has United fans hoping The Boy Wayne can return to a fraction of the man that scored 27 Premier League goals four seasons ago. If United are to finish in the Top 4, he’ll need to. The Red Devils aren’t about to return to the high scoring, entertaining football fans are demanding. But without Rooney’s contributions, they won’t collect the results needed to keep pace with the aforementioned Leicester and Spurs. Just eight goals shy now of Sir Bobby Charlton‘s club record 249 goals, I’d be surprised if he hasn’t broken it by the beginning of March.

Goals will come from elsewhere, but no player is more important to that team that Wayne Rooney. That’s largely the reason this campaign has been such a disappointment up until now. Having lead 2-0, and given Newcastle’s position in the table I can understand why Captain Wayne is frustrated with Tuesday’s result. But that was a cracking game of football and Newcastle fully deserved to come away with something.

4) Roberto Firmino is the real deal
I’m not saying Liverpool have solved their “striker problem.” But the Brasilian has continued to improve since Klopp‘s arrival and that second goal not only showed the quality his capable of, but the adjustments he’s making to score more regularly in the Premier League.

5) Aston Villa can win matches
I’m not naive to think they’ll win their remaining 17. Palace were bloody awful. But for once, Villa attempted to create chances and work for a result. Even if they blatantly lack the confidence and composure required to make the right decisions and succeed at this level. Villa fans should be inspired by Remi Garde‘s willingness to make changes, even if they’re not always the right ones. Putting Mark Bunn in for Brad Guzan and keeping captain Micah Richards out of the squad sparked the rest of his unit to step it up. Garde’s increasing trust in Carles Gil will only yield more goal scoring opportunities.

Villa host Leicester in the late kickoff on Saturday. A team that was not far off their current position just a year ago. Not to mention one that has scored just once in their last four. ‘Ave a right go Remi! You’ve really got nothing to lose at this point.

NOTABLE MENTION
Thank goodness for Liverpool that Joe Allen has returned from his loan with your sister’s boyfriend’s band. I didn’t even recognize him!

Brendan Rodgers couldn’t fit Christian Benteke into the squad and Klopp seems even less willing. Lots of clubs are shopping for a centre forward this month. Should LFC consider letting him go? I would absolutely love to see him go back to Villa on loan. Benteke worked his ass off wearing that shirt, but strikes me as someone that would simply be too proud to return.

Andre Ayew‘s goal to put Swansea in front 2-1 was the definition of ‘determination.’ He’s going to need to string together a few more like that if Swansea are going to stay up. I had been saying all season they’re too good to go down. But after watching Sunderland stroll in to Wales and win 4-2, I really don’t know anymore. Might regret shipping Jonjo Shelvey out.

5 Things To Watch For In The Prem – Dec. 28

1) Win or lose, will Louis van Gaal be Manchester United’s manager Tuesday morning?
You may have heard, Manchester United haven’t won in seven. Even worse they’ve lost four in a row for the first time since 1961. And apparently, LVG wants out but his bosses won’t let him walk. Sounds like a movie script.

Even before Sunday’s reports, I didn’t see how LVG could survive another loss. He proved as recently as Brasil 2014 he can squeeze the best out of players. But not on a day-to-day club level. Jose Mourinho famously said years ago that national team jobs are for old men. LVG’s time at United is proof.

The squad has grown tired of his constant tinkering and self doubt. At best LVG has made United functional. At worst? Catastrophic. Expecting that to be sustainable is insane. And collectively, they’re just not good enough.

Doesn’t mean United can’t beat Chelsea 1-0. But either way, LVG has passed his best before date in club football. Time to kick back Louis. Lounge at the cabin in the Dutch countryside and wait for the right African country to pick up the phone and beg you to help them win in Russia. My money is on Algeria. Sorry Christian Gourcuff.

2) Guus 2.0
Guus Hiddink‘s situation is no where near as dire as his countryman’s. He knows he’s only back temporarily, as do the supporters. But Hiddink has been tasked with steering the club back towards the right direction. I wouldn’t want that gig. Chelsea will spend plenty next month. This result could go a long way in deciding who needs to come in, and who’s good enough to stay. Cesc Fabregas is expected to miss the match with a fever. Guus is probably better off.

3) Will Wayne Rooney start from the bench again?
One would assume no, but who really knows with this team right now. I’ve said all season long on the Soccer Central podcast that Rooney only features in that side because of his weekly wage bill and his previous accomplishments. But in 45 minutes at The Britannia on Saturday, he was the best forward thinking player in a United shirt. That’s really saying something about Memphis, Martial, Mata and Fellaini. They sound like a shitty skaw band. They were a shitty Premier League attack Saturday at Stoke. Mark Hughes said that United squad lacks character. That’s an understatement right now.

4) Will Arsenal return to the top of the table?
Hard to believe after Saturday’s failures on the south coast that they can with three points at home to Bournemouth. This is exactly the type of match Arsenal need to win convincingly to be champions come May. But they looked completely exhausted on Saturday. So, give Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Calum Chambers and Alex Iwobi starts? All three looked good off the bench. The Cherries are unbeaten in six and will play with nothing to lose. Great. This could be the most enjoyable match of the day.

5) Can Aston Villa finally win a match?
Call Monday’s tilt at Carrow Road ‘The Relegation Bowl.’ Or don’t. But that’s what it is. Three points in their last four should be impressive for post-Martin O’Neill Villa. But Remi Garde can’t settle for sharing the points anymore.

In those three 1-1 draws Villa showed, contrary to popular belief, that they are capable of putting the ball in the back of the net. They desperately need to more times than Norwich on Monday. Villa have won their last four with The Canaries. Three came at Carrow Road. So maybe, just maybe, Villa can find a way to win for the first time since opening day.

Tuesday Morning FOOTY Thoughts – Nov. 10

Cute to see Wayne Rooney slapping big men around the same way opposing defenses slap him around on the pitch now. Rooney smacked British big boy Wade Barrett at last night’s WWE RAW taping in Manchester. This is the only time I will ever talk about wrestling on this page.

Cristiano Ronaldo is also making the most of his time off. At the premiere of his self titled movie last night in London (which I can not wait to see mind you), CR7 set a Guinness world record for taking the most selfies in a 3 minute period. Now there’s an accomplishment to really celebrate. What the hell is wrong with the world?

David Moyes to Chelsea? Probably not. But boy, that would be something. Real Sociedad pulled the plug, with the squad winning just 12 of Moyses’ 42 games in charge. They’re just two points off the bottom. Was 12 months on the continent enough time for Moyes to get over his United failure? Only time will tell.

I am very excited to see Patrick Viera manage in MLS. But Jason Kreis got a raw deal there from NYCFC. There really is no loyalty left in football. Coaching a brand new team with 3 guys on $6 million a year and everybody else making $60k is not easy. Kreis will not be out of work long though.

I’m not excited at all for this international break. And neither is Roy Hodgson. More than a quarter of the Premier League’s 142 English players are injured right now. That’s 37 England qualified players to be exact. Crazy, but really, who cares?

It wasn’t that long ago we were joking about Garry Monk for the England job. But then Swansea went out and dropped 5 of 8 and now Huw Jenkins expects his former centre-back to hire an experienced assistant to ‘right the ship.’ Yea, good luck with that Garry.

Jesé Rodriguez would be a great pick up for Arsenal. I don’t see that happening. And I don’t think Karim Benzema would be a wise purchase. The Frenchman’s career can be defined with one word: inconsistent. That’s the last thing The Gunners need right now. They’ve had enough of that for a long time.

Dimitri Payet is a big reason West Ham are sixth in the table. But for the next three months, Slaven Bilic’s side will have to try to keep pace without their high-flying French talisman because of an ankle injury suffered in Saturday’s 1-1 draw with Everton.

Aston Villa might be keen to unload forgotten Frenchman Charkes N’Zogbia in January, but new boss Rémy Garde has given him two months to prove himself. And his £65,000 a week wage packet.

A couple of former Villa managers in completion for the QPR job. The Super Hoops would be wise to choose Tim Sherwood over Paul Lambert. With Fulham also hiring, I expect both men to be house hunting in London soon.

If you didn’t know, America loves the Premier League. Especially Big Money Amurica. Bournemouth’s Russian owner Maxim Demin has sold a 25% stake in the club to a Chicago-based private equity firm. I can’t wait for the big AFC Bournemouth v Chicago Fire friendly at the end of July!

Sunday Morning Thoughts – Oct. 25

NHL
Seven one goal games. Four went to overtime. The Flyers topped the Rangers in a shootout. What a Saturday night! The only one hockey will have all to itself all year. Sorry NCAA football fans. #Truth

The Leafs threw everything including a couple of kitchen sinks at Carey Price last night. Still wasn’t good enough. I love that Michel Therrien and Max Pacioretty vocalized their disappointment with their play despite the dominant win. Classy. Not cocky. Shows just how hungry they are this year. They been good in the past but haven’t delivered. Mindset in that room is more focused than ever. Don’t be surprised if they win 60 games. And they won’t give up 52 shots again this season.

I’m worried for Mike Babcock if he’s already tired of the Toronto media. “We made some mistakes. All you people do is remember the mistakes. That’s just the way life is.” With the Jays season over, ALL eyes will now be on his hockey team. Same way they always are at this time of year. He’s completely right, about everything he said in his post-game scrum. I just hope it doesn’t weigh on him, like it would on most guys in his position.

What is it about home that the Canucks don’t like? Not to take anything away from the Red Wings, but there’s no way they should have come back to win that game in overtime. Gus Nyquist is the most underrated fantasy player out there. If you got him, good on ya.

What did I say? Take Phil Kessel away from Crosby, and Phil will score. They should turn that in to a song at Consol Energy Center. They won’t. But they would if this was England.

Well, would ya look at that. Two games in and John Tortorella already has the Blue Jackets winning hockey games.

Shout out to friend of the show Joel Ward for his big hat-trick in San Jose‘s 5-2 win last night. Guy’s got mitts.

And Don Cherry‘s Blue Jays rant on Coach’s Corner last night was amazing. Not just because he was typically Grapes about it, but because Ron MacLean makes those great segments, epic. Also, loved the Cary Grant reference and look. Be proud of it Ron! You got the suits, I’ll keep the hair.

PREMIER LEAGUE
It would be so typical of Wayne Rooney to score a breathtaking goal in this morning’s derby. I wouldn’t be comfortable placing a bet on it. I think Anthony Martial and Raheem Sterling put their names on the scoresheet. But if the boy Wayne is able to, he’ll have all the headlines. All I want to see is both managers really go for it. These two are capable of playing the best match of the year. Here’s to hoping that’s what we get at Old Trafford.

As soon as Sam Allardyce was linked with the Sunderland job, I circled today on my calendar. I’m not going to wake up for it, but my goodness the Wear-Tyne derby is always worth PVR-ing. No matter how lifeless one side has looked in previous matches. My first Premier League game in the flesh was the derby at St. James’ Park. Indescribable experience. Not to mention, the best weekend of my life.

How the hell is Jose Mourinho supposed to fix this? It was comical to watch him struggle with what his team has devolved in to this season. But now it’s almost awkward to watch him toil and one of the best teams on paper embarrass themselves against inferior opposition week after week.

I don’t know how many more Aston Villa heartbreakers I’m going to survive. Let alone Tim Sherwood. I don’t know what changes can be made to get this team to win matches. A new boss won’t do the trick. Another keeper won’t either. Doesn’t Sheikh Mansour have an enemy that would love to stick it to him? If you are reading this kind Sir: Buy Villa. Please.

NFL
If the Bills don’t beat the Jags at Wembley this morning, they should have to play home games in Fort Mac for parts of next season. Exclusively in December.

Loved the way Jets safety Marcus Gilchrist described this week’s preparations for today’s trip to Foxboro. “You prepare [for Tom Brady] the same way you prepare for Kirk Cousins.” Watch Brady throw for 400+ yards. The Patriots have won 7 of 8 against the Jets. Chalk up 8 of 9 at 4:15pm.

Matt Cassel hopes to become the first Cowboys QB, not named Tony Romo, to win a game since Stephen McGee in the last game of the 2010 season. Wow. No way Eli lets him have it.

It has been hard to watch Drew Brees get old. Andrew Luck‘s body is starting to resemble a 36 year-old guy’s, because the Colts O-line has been horrific for him.

Sam Bradford has thrown nine interceptions this season. Might reach 12 tonight against the Panthers. Sorry Eagles fans.

Wouldn’t be surprised at all if the Falcons lose their second straight on the road. Shame Marcus Mariota won’t be the one to take all the credit. (Out with an MCL sprain).

Call me crazy, but Derek Carr beats the Chargers for the first time.

The Bucs have never won three in a row in DC. You really gonna let that happen today Kirk?

MLB
Not surprised at all that the Blue Jays opted not to speak to the media upon their return yesterday. It’s going to be a complicated and heartbreaking winter for that clubhouse, and the fan-base. Three starting pitchers are out of contract and I expect Marco Estrada to be the only one they re-sign. I genuinely believe Alex Anthopoulos wants to stay in Toronto. He’s put in so much work over the last six years and finally got to see some reward. Can’t see why he would leave after taking this team so far. Great article by Shi Davidi about where the Blue Jays go from here with Mark Shapiro running the ship.

I love that Matt Harvey is starting Game 1 for the Mets. All the talk and all the furor about his innings limit, and look where they are! Nobody would stop themself from playing in the Series. I just wonder if he leaves it all out there like it’s April 27th.

RACING
There’s something poetic about Jeff Gordon starting from pole at Talladega today. NASCAR will not be the same without #24.

I couldn’t be any less excited for this afternoon’s USGP. And I love(d) Formula 1. The early 2000s became a forgettable time for me as a fan. “Schumacher wins again!” got old real quick. Replace one German man with one German manufacturer and that is the last two years of F1.

NCAA FOOTBALL
What unthinkable way will some school find a way to win next Saturday? The way Georgia State won that football game was something out of a movie.

As was the tragic scene before Oklahoma State‘s homecoming game. Thoughts and prayers with all the people affected there. I hope two things come of this. a) the driver is punished to the full extent of the law. And b) that this tragedy will make others stop before getting behind the wheel after having too many.

5 Things We Learned From The Prem This Weekend – Aug. 16

1) Jose Mourinho is a sore loser. But you already knew that
I don’t think Jose realises how bad he makes himself look when he says things like yesterday’s 3-0 result was “completely fake.” Yes he has reason to complain that Fernandinho should’ve been sent off. And I did actually find his post-match comments “it has no relation with the result but it has a relation with the rules and the rules say [that in] minute one or minute 90, it was a red card,” to be quite clever. But blaming his team’s lack of effort on referee Martin Atkinson is pathetic. Even for Jose.

Chelsea were lifeless going forward. They offered so little, the Manchester papers are lauding Vincent Kompany and Eli Mangala as the Prem’s new “elite defensive duo.” (And Citeh may flip Mangala for Nicolás Otamendi? Ridiculous.) That might have been the worst match I have ever seen from Diego Costa. I sure hope Jose addresses that at Cobham this morning. God knows the media won’t ignore his substitution of John Terry, for the first time ever in fact, when quite blatantly Gary Cahill was the the one whom Sergio Agüero was running circles around.

The scapegoat for this loss? How about Jose himself. He gave the Blues an entire month off and played just three matches before the Community Shield. And we know it’s nothing but a holiday when Premier Leaguers enjoy a pre-season tour in the U.S.A. Man City have set the pace. And Chelsea are well off it.

2) United love winning with the most minimum effort required
Full credit to Sergio Romero for recording back-to-back clean sheets in a shirt nobody believes he deserves to be wearing. But Villa deserved something on Friday. And that’s not my bias talking. Yes the elite scale back their play on the road, but a championship team could shred Tim Sherwood‘s side apart. United didn’t seem capable of doing that. I don’t know what to make of Wayne Rooney up front. Was really surprised to see Adnan Januzaj in United’s starting XI for the first time since February. Juan Mata was brilliant. His vision has always been a strong point and Memphis Depay will regret not having bagged his first Premier League goal after the best pass he may have ever received.

3) Alexis Sánchez doesn’t need vacations
Rushed back into the starting XI thanks to Arsenal‘s pathetic performance at home to West Ham last week, Sánchez barely had a holiday after helping Chile to win their first Copa América. He wasn’t even supposed to feature in the squad this month. Bit short of options are ya Arsene? Wenger called him a “fighter”. We know he’s just their best player, making probably £100k a week so those performances are expected.

4) Dick Advocaat has already lost the room
It’s like a race up there on Wearside to see who can do it first! If ever a team deserved to be relegated after two matches, it’s Sunderland. After Sunderland‘s pathetic effort at home to Norwich, a forlorn Advocaat admitted his side “are not a team” and openly questioned why “they can not bring it”. My what a difference a few months makes. Swansea visit the Stadium of Depression this weekend. Forget the boos. If the Black Cats play like that again, they might have to worry about being hit with bags of piss.

5) Carl Jenkinson is a better keeper than Petr Cech
Well, if clean sheets are the only measurement, then yes that statement is true. Chelsea fans were quick to troll Gooners after the former Gunner put the gloves on for the final few minutes of West Ham‘s 2-1 loss at home to Leicester. Adrián‘s boot through Jamie Vardy not quite as impressive as Nigel De Jong‘s kung fu kick on Xabi Alonso in the World Cup final, but thrilling nonetheless.

NOTABLE MENTION
Harry Kane is this year’s Raheem Sterling. Mauricio Pochettino explained that Kane was tired & could not play 90 minutes. Oh boy. Here we go again. He’ll look good in City blue next year though. They haven’t had a frontman with as likeable a haircut since Craig Bellamy. Is he still on their books? Most likely.

It’s going to get worse before it gets better for Newcastle. They lost at the Liberty Stadium in nine minutes. And now The Magpies will finish the month against Man United and Arsenal. Good luck with that Stevey.

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5 Things We Learned From The Prem This Weekend – Aug. 9

Sure, it feels like last season just ended. And yes if you live in a particularly colder climate like I do, it signals the premature end of summer. But damn it feels good to have Premier League football back. Saturday mornings mean something again.

Petr Cech is not going to win Arsenal the title
I didn’t need to watch Sunday’s nightmare to know that. I was so puzzled by how many people picked Arsenal to end their title drought because of the acquisition of a once world-class keeper. Petr Cech does not deserve to be rotting on Chelsea’s bench. But he is not as sharp as he was three years ago, and certainly not the final piece to make a contender a champion. Gooners got a tough dose of that Sunday morning. Arsene Wenger can blame Arsenal’s “defensive lapses” all he wants. The reality is, he is banking on a declining goalkeeper to build brand new relationships with men in front of him who quite often, don’t know what they’re doing.

Philippe Coutinho will make Liverpool fans forget about Raheem Sterling
The Brasilian’s impact has long been underrated on Merseyside. Liverpool did not deserve anything more than a point from The Britannia. But that moment of brilliance should’ve been worth four. Coutinho is Liverpool’s most important asset, though Brendan Rodgers would love Jordan Ibe to be looked at that way. Perhaps in time. For now, as Liverpool learn to send crosses in for a more than capable frontman, in Christian Benteke, it has to be more than comforting to know that Coutinho can turn the match on it’s head given the right opportunity.

Chelsea will be pushed to repeat
The intensity Swansea showed even before Chelsea went down a man, was inspiring. Jose‘s Blues are going to have to work for every W this season. Signing Asmir Begovic will look like a masterstroke now. Away to Man City Sunday morning, Chelsea will need to put themselves in a better position so they’re not solely relying on the counter to create.

Sergio Romero was not a useless signing
And here I thought Sam Johnstone was going to start the season! Tottenham deserved to take a point away from Old Trafford. But the Argentina #1 denied Spurs the satisfaction, and rewarded LVG for signing him two weeks ago. Anyone other than a 100% committed David de Gea is a step down, but Romero is a very good shot stopper. And that backline is going to allow him to face plenty more than just the four that Tottenham put on target Saturday. But it doesn’t matter, because unlike last year, LVG’s side started with a win. Having said all that, I don’t see how the Dutchman can let the transfer window close without adding another frontman. They can’t possibly expect to compete on multiple fronts with just Wayne Rooney and Memphis Depay. Depay is a winger! Marouane Fellaini has proven he can play up top. But he shouldn’t be relied upon. Go out and do some more useful business Louis. Start by getting bodies in return for de Gea, Valdes and Anders Lindegaard.

Aston Villa might just be alright this season. Who woulda Gestede?
It’s just one match, against a newly promoted side that most expect to go straight back down. But starting a seemingly doomed campaign with three points on the road is the best thing Timmy Sherwood could’ve hoped for. Rudy Gestede will never be Christian Benteke. But having scored 20 headed goals in the last two seasons, his new teammates can at least provide him the same service. Making the transition easy on everyone else.

NOTABLE MENTION
Doesn’t Jose Mourinho have any sympathy for the all bullshit Eva Carneiro has had to deal with touching John Terry and Ashley Cole for all those years! What could any team doctor do to deserve such a public scolding?

It’s remarkable that anyone could make their Premier League debut at the age of 16. But how many kids even dream their first chance would come with 79 minutes playing at The Emirates? Beating Arsenal. The most telling thing about Reece Oxford to me, is how Slaven Bilic described his mental makeup: “If Messi was in front of me, I’d be more fazed than Reece.” Out of the Europa League. Start the league with an away win. Slaven can do no wrong in the East End!

Crystal Palace benefited from referee Simon Hooper‘s decision to rule out Cameron Jerome‘s goal, but Norwich still would’ve fallen on Saturday. The gulf in class on display was massive. And to think Alan Pardew looked insane for taking the job at a club that had gone through managers quicker than Toronto FC. And I still can not believe Yohan Cabaye plays his football at Selhurst Park. Soccer has changed.

Gabby Obertan is still playing Premier League football. Wow.

Southampton could play in MLS with that away kit. I actually quite like it, and The Saints of course are always entertaining to watch. Might regret not adding Graz Pelle to my fantasy team. C’mon Saido Berahino! 

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