5 Things We Learned From The Prem After Matchweek 1

Saturday mornings used to be the most enjoyable part of my week.

Now, I feel like I’m watching my ex-girlfriend. She’s moved on with her life. She hangs with a completely different crowd now. And to be honest, she’s sexier than ever. While I wake up early Saturday mornings, to follow live tweets about a visit from Rotherham, or a trip to Huddersfield. #LifeAfterRelegation

Having spilled my feelings and bitterness to you, here are the five things we learned from a thrilling opening weekend to the 2016/17 Premier League season.

1) Conte figured out how to sell soccer to Americans
It didn’t work when Will Ferrell and Mike Ditka tried it in the highly underrated cult classic Kicking & Screaming. But 4-2-4 is the formation that continually teases the audience “there’s going to be a goal here!” Antonio Conte got his winner courtesy of a hungry, and mildly less petulant, Diego Costa.

Chelsea very much look like a team prepared to wear down their opponents over the course of a match, and pounce when the time is right. How Italian of them. They won’t win matches by many goals, but they will win many matches.

Watching Eden Hazard and Willian come off in a 1-1 game must have had most Chelsea fans thinking, “oh God. This guy’s just happy to win one point on his debut!” But all three subs looked inspired and really upped the pressure on West Ham‘s tired defense. I didn’t think we’d ever see Victor Moses in a Chelsea shirt again. He didn’t look half bad! And I’m talking about his play! Those Chelsea tops are awful.

Chelsea probably could have been more creative. Despite James Collins‘ fine equaliser, West Ham really didn’t seem up for it Monday night. Conte’s side would have had the opportunity to create more chances with Cesc Fabregas on the pitch instead of one of either N’Golo Kanté or Nemanja Matic.

Lucky for Conte, he’s got about 55 more matches to play around with things.

2) Man United have got their swagger back
We knew Manchester United would be a different side with José Mourinho running the show. And while it was just the season opener away to Bournemouth, it was clear to see that United have this aura about them that they haven’t had since winning the title three years ago. Scary to think what they’ll look like once Paul Pogba reintegrates himself back in to the team.

You can already see Zlatan Ibrahimovic‘s confidence wearing off on his teammates. In two matches now, they’ve played with a composure that was rarely noticeable under LVG.  Wayne Rooney wasn’t all that impressive, but he’s certainly been worse and if he gets his name on the scoresheet every time he plays a match like that, he’s going to keep his place in the side.

3) Wenger will panic buy on Deadline Day
Have we unknowingly stumbled on to a near decade-long conspiracy where Arsene Wenger leaves all his business until the last few days of the window so that Sky Sports can keep “Jim White Day” going?

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t read or hear “injury crisis” and “Arsenal” in the same sentence.  There’s a great game show brewing at The Emirates: “who’s this guy you’ve never heard of before in Wenger’s XI?” That game works for reading transfer rumours as well.

Buckle up and prepare to read endless unknowns from the lesser televised regions of Europe linked with a move to the Gunners. Or, maybe Wenger will just wait for captain Per Mertesacker to return from injury in five months.

Certainly Rob Holding deserved a better debut than that? Word was Francis Coquelin had been training next to Callum Chambers in pre-season. That could be the centreback pairing when Arsenal visit champions Leicester in Saturday’s late kickoff.

4) Children’s crests are SO in right now
Not to enrage all you Manchester City and West Ham supporters. You’re an incredibly passionate and loyal bunch. Your teams have real history and tradition. So why on earth have the badges become so simplistic they look like they were designed on Snapchat?

5) Hull will not be relegated on zero points
Fueled by the last placed predictions of everyone from Hull to Hong Kong, and the presence of the champions in the first Premier League match of this new season, the Tigers showed us that magic isn’t reserved simply for Leicester. I thought a Leicester win was the lock of the weekend. Clearly I know nothing. And Claudio Ranieri meant it when he said, “staying up is the focus.”

NOTABLE MENTION
Pep Guardiola doesn’t have the Hart for Shrewsbury Joe. Really don’t know why he would wait til the start of the season to send that message to Hart, everyone watching, and most importantly, clubs with a goalkeeper to sell. Willy Caballero will do the trick for now. He genuinely appears to relish the role of sweeper keeper. But expect a bigger name to walk in to The Etihad before the window closes.

Jürgen Klopp didn’t realise he hired his doppelgänger when he convinced fitness coach Andreas Kornmayer to trade Bavaria for Merseyside. Or, more likely, Klopp knew that having Kornmayer around would help protect him from angry players and fans when these three-a-day training sessions put half the squad on the disabled list. One of them must drive a Saab still, right? #ArchitectsGlasses

Watch out Gary Lineker: Andy Townsend is coming for you mate! And he didn’t even need to take his clothes off.

I really enjoyed the Premier League Productions ‘Matchday Live’ half-time and post-match set up with just Townsend and former Canadian Owen Hargreaves standing in a poshy looking footballer’s cottage, speaking about Chelsea and West Ham like a couple of pros just bantering All that was missing was a couple of pints on that monitor/table. Though now that hosts have been replaced from host-worthy analysts, I better re-start the “backup” career plans…

2016/17 Premier League season preview (1-5)

5) ARSENAL
This is the year Arsene Wenger doesn’t win his “fourth place trophy.” And the Frenchman has absolutely no one to blame but himself.

The Gunners seem willing to spend more and more every window, but they don’t. Partly because they aren’t willing to overpay, leave that to team’s like Juventus. But increasingly because Arsenal is not the attractive destination it should be. London and playing in the Champions League have plenty of appeal yes, but finishing second last year was as damaging to Arsenal’s ambitions as any finish since Wenger arrived.

As unfair as it may be, with Chelsea, United and City‘s inabilities last season the title was Arsenal’s to lose. And that they did.

Granit Xhaka is a nifty player, but not what they needed. Defensively Arsenal could be in as much trouble to start this year as they were that season they bought Per Mertesacker and that fat Brasilian on the final day of the summer window. On paper this is a top side. But why gamble again that Jack Wilshere, Theo Walcott, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Danny Welbeck and Santi Cazorla will be fit to contribute for any more than a COMBINED 38 matches?

Mesut Özil and Alexis Sanchez are unfairly forced to carry too much of the load, while Olivier Giroud is being set up to fail. And most Gooners will tell you he doesn’t need any help with that.

This is supposed to be Wenger’s last season at The Emirates, and by the end of it I think he will regret not retiring after that second FA Cup win.

4) TOTTENHAM
Finishing above Arsenal is the equivalent of winning the league, isn’t it?

For months I critised Tottenham for “playing above their weight” and slammed their inconsistencies. I didn’t come around until it was actually a two horse title race. I was happy at that point to admit I was completely wrong. But how did Spurs finish the season? By looking exactly like a team that had been playing better than they really were for months and couldn’t cut it in the end with the pressure as high as could be. They will never get that close again. But, the future looks fantastic.

Preparing to open a new 60,000 seat stadium moreso than having learned from wasteful purchases, Daniel Levy was unusually quiet this summer. Reading Mauricio Pochettino‘s quotes this pre-season, the Argentine thinks he has best team Tottenham have ever put out on the pitch. He wanted Victor Wanyama last season, and now he’s got him, increasing squad depth while making Spurs more difficult to score on. 22 year old Vincent Janssen joined from AZ Alkmaar for a pricey £17 million but should take some of the scoring load off Harry Kane. Both seem like “very” Pochettino purchases, which might explain why head of recruitment Paul Mitchell quit.

Champions League nights at Wembley will be a real treat for the Spurs faithful.

Eric Dier should follow up his coming-out season with an even better campaign, having had a great experience at Euro 2016. While Kane and Deli Alli will hope to play as well as they did in a Spurs shirt last season, and nothing like the way they played with an England one on.

This is England’s team. Maybe that’s why I’m not sold?

3) MANCHESTER CITY
Sheikh Mansour made no secret of the Abu Dhabi United’s Group’s intentions when they purchased Manchester City and changed the landscape of English football overnight. This is what they were building towards. This is the dream they envisioned. I don’t know if this was the squad Pep thought he would have to work with when he accepted the job last winter, but so be it.

This will be Pep Guardiola‘s toughest challenge yet. When he arrived at Bayern he inherited treble winners. At City, he has inherited a very expensive collection of players and assembled a fantasy football XI. İlkay Gündoğan will be an instant superstar, if he can actually string together a good run of matches. Nolito showed his worth during Spain’s brief run at Euro 2016. Clearly management thought if they paid £50 million they would get the John Stones from 2014/15, and not the one that played last season and probably isn’t worth half that. But hey, at least Martin Demichelis is gone!

Kevin De Bruyne is the perfect player to build a team around. Sergio Agüero might be the best (proper) striker Pep has ever had. David Silva should flourish, and Pep might actually be able to get the best out of Jesus Navas.

Mistake-free possession football might never be a thing at The Etihad this season. But as long as City challenge for the title and build off a hugely impressive Champions League semi-final appearance, Mansour’s master plan will continue to move in the right direction.

And at the risk of never being served a drink at the Man City Supporters Club of Toronto again, why did they change the crest? It looks like a children’s team logo.

2) MANCHESTER UNITED
Let the José Mourinho era begin! The Special One was given his dream job and wasted little time inspiring the fan-base with the feeling that winning would return to Old Trafford. Spending £89 million on one player will do that.

Even before Paul Pogba arrived, I had picked Manchester United in my Top 3. They were close to a Champions League place last season, playing under a manager that never once knew what he wanted. Mourinho only wants to win, and doesn’t care what it takes to do it. He will quickly have to find the best use for Pogba, because the Frenchman’s place has such a ripple effect on the entire squad. Playing him on the wing with Wayne Rooney employed behind new boy Zlatan Ibahimovic serving as the lone striker may be the best option. But that leaves Henrikh Mkhitaryan out, and that might be José’s biggest headache this season. Well, that and the Manchester media following him around town.

I wonder what Mourinho thinks of the statisticians at the University of Salford that used math to conclude the signings of Pogba and Ibra were worth 10 more points. Their tests revealed the pair increased United’s chances of winning the title by 4%. You know what everyone always says, “the Premier League needs more math!”

It’s funny to read so much of criticism of Ibrahimovic, that he doesn’t have much left in the tank. He climbed up over Wes Morgan with ease to get his head on that Community Shield winning goal. The only player stronger than Morgan I think, is his Leicester teammate Jeffrey Schlupp. Ibra scored 38 league goals last season. Surely he can bag 15 in his Premier League debut season.

I expect to see a very different Mourinho this year. One that isn’t as quick to make headlines. One that selectively picks fights with his rivals. From an entertainment perspective, this could be the most boring year with Mourinho working in the Premier League. But that’s strictly off the pitch and between matches. On the pitch, United will be “must watch TV” every single week.

1) CHELSEA
This really wasn’t an easy choice for me. I sat and debated for the longest time. But in the end, Antonio Conte is the ultimate X-factor. He has made a career of getting new jobs because of his ability to achieve success, with very little at his disposal. Have you seen Chelsea‘s back-line?

This is an aging squad that grossly underachieved for half of last season. But if there’s a man to get Eden Hazard, Diego Costa, Cesc Fabregas and Nemanja Matic to play to their full potential, it’s absolutely Antonio Conte.

Hazard looked inspired and hungry in pre-season. Perhaps fueled by Belgium‘s disappointment at Euro 2016? Great player to have in your side. Costa knows he is on a short leash and this is his last opportunity to keep his big paycheque. Fabregas still has the quality to be one of the best midfielders in the Premier League. And it looks like he also shares the same “hair guy” as his new manager?

It’s a good thing Conte has the best hair plugs in the world because Chelsea’s defense is likely to stress him out a bit. As always he will rely on a back three. N’Golo Kanté, Matic and Thibaut Courtois may find it tiring to play four men down every Saturday.

Jokes aside, defense is Chelsea’s biggest weakness heading in to this season. But for all John Terry and Gary Cahill‘s faults, they can succeed with the simplified system Conte will employ. That’s what Kanté brings and why he was such a priority. £32 million will prove to be a bargain.

The price paid for Michy Batshuayi surprised many, and so will his play this year. The Belgian was an unknown to anyone but avid Ligue 1 viewers before Euro 2016. He’s 22-years-old, still very much a raw talent and was the fourth leading goalscorer in France last season, potting 17 for Marseille. Forwards from L’OM have a history of playing well at Stamford Bridge. They do not need to overpay to bring Romelu Lukaku back.

Roman Abramovich took a big risk appointing Conte. This is a man that happily confronted disapproving Ultras while managing Atalanta. He is afraid of nothing, except maybe failure. But he hasn’t experienced that in years. Tip for Chelsea’s Ultras: don’t mess with Conte!

Thanks for reading my 2016/17 Premier League season preview series! Be sure to listen to the weekly Soccer Central podcast. Follow me on twitter, instagram and SnapChat: @brendan_dunlop

2016/17 Premier League Season preview

It feels like it was only two weeks ago that Leicester City were crowned champions after the most incredible season in the history of team sports. But here we are on the brink of a brand new Premier League campaign.

Gone is the Barclays sponsorship, which means no one will ever have to call it “The BPL” again. And gone too are two of the biggest clubs in England. But in come three new manager’s at three of the biggest clubs in the world. Two of which, ply their trade off the continent for the very first time.

José Mourinho wasted little time putting his stamp on Manchester United spending a world record £89 million to bring Paul Pogba back to Old Trafford. But don’t expect Zlatan Ibrahimovic to let that take any shine off his first season in the Prem.

As hard as he will try, Pep Guardiola is certain to get drawn in to a spat with his longtime and now cross-town rival. Coming off their worst season in recent years, there’s a lot of pressure on Manchester City to bounce back quickly. They have some good pieces, but this will be Pep’s most difficult challenge yet.

Arsene Wenger must be saving all his business for the last week of the transfer window. Meaning, I might as well write one of these again in three weeks. Either that or, he thinks he actually has a strong enough side to compete this season?

And how can Claudio Ranieri and co. follow up last season?

Over the next few days I will preview all 20 Premier League clubs and predict exactly where I think they will finish come season’s end. Because pre-season predictions are always a good idea.

The Soccer Central podcast is back. James Sharman, Thomas Dobby and I got back in the studio Tuesday to preview the brand new season. Have a listen here, or download the pod weekly on iTunes.

EURO 2016: Day 4

Even Pirlo was impressed with Italy‘s performance Monday against Belgium.

If you watched that and you weren’t, you’re clearly a bias moron. Or, Antonio Conte. Whom I would never accuse of being either because he bloody terrifies me. But man, does he ever know how to get the very best out of players who aren’t actually very good. And he still isn’t satisfied. Get excited Chelsea fans!

When I first saw Italy’s XI, I tweeted that I couldn’t remember seeing an Azzurri starting lineup at a major tournament worse than that. Shows how much I know. Gave us the best match of the tournament so far.

That three pronged defense was stereotypically solid. Matteo Darmian and Antonio Candreva made the pitch as wide as an NFL football field is long. Emanuele Giaccherini played the best match I’ve seen since his days at Cesena! Italy looked interested and confident in attacking from the very beginning. Belgium looked lost from the get-go.

I’ll let the analysts far more intelligent than me roast Marc Wilmots for his poor substitutions and inability to adjust mid-match. I did not expect to see Montreal‘s Laurent Ciman to be anywhere near as involved as he was. And I don’t see how the Red Devils can take the pitch again without pairing Toby Alderweireld and Jan Vertonghen together at the centre of that defense. They were probably the best centreback pairing in the Premier League this season. Belgium was a joke defensively on Monday.

Graz Pelle has the best hair in football. Marouane Fellaini has the worst. Seriously, what is he doing with that dye job? He stands out for his poor play enough as it is. Antonio Conte clearly needs to take some celebration tips from Paolo Di Canio and Jose Mourinho. I’ve never seen a trainer have to patch up a manager after face damaging celebrations. But hey, to each their own.

A group opening victory for the Champions was hardly convincing. But can you remember the last Spanish win that was?

Spain are still the kings of “leaving it’s late.” Six of Spain’s last nine European championship goals were scored in the last 10 minutes of the match. Their obsession with possession exhausts their opposition, and when you’re as talented as Spain are, eventually a goal has to come from somewhere.

Ciaran Clark continued the Irish defender’s tradition of scoring own goals. Every Villa fan had a bit of a chuckle at Clark’s expense. Sweden were fortunate to get that gift, because for as aggressive as Darren Randolph was at leaving his line, he wasn’t threatened as much as he should’ve been.

Ibra might blame that on his teammates. But he is the calibre of player that needs to win matches against opponents like this on his own. That’s what puts Messi, Ronaldo and Neymar in a completely different class.

Check my blog daily for recaps, previews and my general EURO 2016 opinions.

The Special One finds his special place

What a time to be alive.

It took longer than he wanted, but José Mourinho finally has his dream job.

Following in the steps of one man in over his head, and another whose head was so far up in the clouds he often couldn’t see what was going on around him, the 53 year-old was hired to return “football’s most storied club” to the glory years enjoyed under Sir Alex Ferguson.

Remember this is the guy that was once arrested for obstructing animal health officials and police from quarantining his dog.

I’m not saying this isn’t the right move for both parties. I’ve been waiting for this appointment since Fergie announced his retirement. I just fully understand why it took so long, and why not everyone in the Manchester United hierarchy believes Mourinho deserves this job.

If Manchester City didn’t hire Pep Guardiola, this article is about PSG‘s new fiery skip “L’un Homme Spécial.”

In many ways this is heartbreaking for United. Gone are the days when they could sit on their thrown atop the mountain while their “noisy neighbours” struggled quite hilariously to climb the grassy slopes, like a Range Rover Evoque with summer tyres. Now City actions force United reactions. And this is by far the best move possible.

Mourinho has charisma and a personality like few others in professional sports. Everywhere José has been he makes enemies. But he is beloved by tens of millions. He can make average players look great. He terrorizes the minds of his opposition. And he is always going to leave us with a great quote.

But while his CV is envied by every manager, Jose’s act is a tired one. Owners have quit on him. Players have quit on him. Very few managers are successful at the very top for more than ten years.

Mourinho won six league titles and the Champions League twice between 2002 and 2010. Since then he has won just two league crowns and left two clubs a complete mess. And no I am not a Barca favouring Spanish journalist. I was referring to Inter.

In English football’s 128 year history, only four managers have won the league with more than one club. Tom Watson, Herbert Chapman, Brian Clough and Kenny Dalglish.

Won’t stop millions from running to the betting shops to put a wager on the Red Devils, with only the Europa League to distract them this season. And José will become the fifth. Just in his second season, of course.

At United winning is just expected. It’s how you win that is the most important thing.

Louis van Gaal was feverishly criticized by the United faithful for not playing attractive football. Mourinho has made a career of filling trophy cabinets 1-0. And not the exciting Leicester way. But the way that empowers your soccer hating friends to say “this is supposed to be one of the best sawker teams around and they can only score one goal in an hour and a half?”

Mou has many detractors to win over. Several wear the suits that argued for weeks about his image rights. A few more are in the dressing room he will walk in to like he owns. It’s a good thing he has the entire pre-season to put his stamp on things.

So now we wait for Zlatan Ibrahimovic to make his way to the red side of Manchester. “Came as a king. Left as an assistant manager?” as one so eloquently said on Football Weekly in reference to rumour that José was going to bring Ibra to Old Trafford, but not as a player. Now there’s someone that Pep Guardiola would love to poke in the eye during a touch line skirmish.

Tough break for Juan Mata. Was the best player in the Premier League four years ago. José shows up, ships him out and he’s been trying to kill the unfair reputation of being a “Chelsea failure” ever since. Rumours of Mata for Willian have already started. Jesse Lingard doesn’t stand a chance of keeping a spot in the first team now. Adnan Januzaj is begging Borussia Dortmund to come save him. Marcus Rashford is… Naw. Rashford is good. He’s an England man now!

Or maybe, José Mourinho has in fact changed. Maybe he will give young players a chance to establish themselves. Maybe he will bite his tongue when opposing managers rile him up. Maybe he will instruct his players to put on a show for their loyal supporters.

Whether Mourinho’s tenure at Old Trafford mirrors Fergie’s or not, there is one guarantee in all of this: it will be worth watching.

2015/16 Premier League season: The Dunny Awards

How’s that for an awards show name, eh? Tennis racquets and summer tyres for everybody!

Soundtrack of the season: “Dilly ding, dilly dong.” By Andrea Bocelli.

Most Exciting Player to watch: Dmitri Payet.
Leicester had their stand outs, but every play the Frenchman made seemed like a Play of the Year candidate.

Manager of the Year: Sam Allardyce.
Bet you wish you hired him back now, eh Mike Ashley? Forever underrated, “Big Sam” could keep your mens league team in the top flight.

Most influential moment: Eva Carneiro‘s decision to treat what she assumed to be an injured Eden Hazard in Chelsea‘s 2-2 draw with Swansea. Brought the “end of The Special One” at Stamford Bridge.

Most surprising managerial change: If you told Rafa Benitez on his pre-season tour with Real Madrid that he would finish the year in charge of relegated Newcastle, he would’ve laughed at you the way Jose Mourinho laughs at him.

Biggest transfer flop: Éder.
Swansea spent £5 million to buy him from Braga. After failing to score in 15 appearances, he was loaned out to Lille. Notable mention: Chelsea’s money stealing duo, Alex Pato and Falcao.

Arrival of the Year: Jürgen Klopp.
The German has reinvigorated a great club so desperate to return to relevance. Win or lose the Europa League final, this season was a success at Anfield because of the clear trajectory LFC are on now. Up.

Comeback Player of the Year: Petr Cech.
Won the Premier League Golden Glove thanks to 16 clean sheets in 34 appearances in his debut season at Arsenal. I thought he was done. I was wrong.

Depreciating Player of the Year: Jack Grealish.
Most thought he’d be in Roy Hodgson‘s squad this summer. Can’t even stand out in Aston Villa’s U21 side now.

Nickname of the Year: Troy Deeney – “Fat Drake”.

The ‘How much do you miss me’ Award: Jermain Defoe.
My goodness, he’s still such a lethal goalscorer. No way Sunderland stay up these two years without him.

Saddest Departure: Roberto Martinez.
The Spaniard offered so much promise when he first showed up at Goodison Park. But his shine wore off as the Toffees spent more money, on better players, and couldn’t match the results of years past. It won’t be any easier for the next guy. Expect to see Bobby Marts back in Spain before the end of next season.

Dumbest Decision: Watford sacking Quique Sanchez Flores.
What were The Hornets expecting to achieve this year? He was a Manager of the Year candidate for much of the season. They would be lucky to match this season’s 13th place finish with Pep at the helm.

Commentator of the year: Peter Drury.
Some people have little time for hyperbole, but that’s exactly what Leicester’s crowning deserved. Not a better man to call it, and their unbelievable run all year.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Gerry Dobson. Has been the voice of Canadian soccer on television since 1998. Happy retirement Gerry! Saturday mornings won’t be the same without you.

3 Things We Learned From The Prem – Mar. 3

It’s weeks like these when I’m really happy I didn’t choose to be a “professional gambler” for a living…

1) Nobody wants to win the Premier League title
Arsenal‘s lack of desire will be the end of Arsene Wenger. Sick of hearing his club criticised for their “lack of mental fortitude”, Wenger sniped at reporters comparing their opinions to weather forecast. Yes, changeable and pretty flaky is also a brilliant way to describe the way Arsenal’s play over the course of the year. Wednesday’s loss to Swansea might actually be worse than losing to Manchester United‘s reserves. Sweet revenge for Ashley Williams who desperately wanted a move to The Emirates a few years back but Wenger scoffed at his £10 million price tag.

I thought a Tottenham win was the lock of the week. If going top wasn’t enough to motivate Spurs to find another gear and treat an away match like they’re playing at home, I don’t know how much longer they can actually challenge.

Manchester City were shambolic at Anfield. Would never have guessed they’d miss the chance to close the gap with Leicester dropping points on Tuesday. The Foxes were the only ones to show a real desire this week.

2) League Cup hangovers are as bad as any
Manchester has one of the best nightlife scenes in all of Europe. I didn’t know that included Monday and Tuesday nights though.

How can you compete with a team for 120 minutes, enjoy the euphoria of winning a cup final on penalties, and then get smashed three days later by the same club? Depth has been a concern for Man City every season. And while, on their day, City can look like the best club in the world, they can not do it consistently battling on multiple fronts.

They won another trophy on the weekend, but they most likely threw away any chance of adding another Premier League trophy to the cabinet this spring. A 10 point gap is nearly insurmountable for the best of teams. From what we’ve seen of City since Christmas, they’re hardly in that category.

3) Marcus Rashford needs LVG
Held off the scoresheet for the first time in his stellar one week career, Marcus Rashford showed plenty of quality and took another big step towards proving that he is a Premier League calibre player. Enjoy “Red Rash” for the rest of this season United fans. Because Jose Mourinho sure as hell won’t play him if, according to rumours of a pending three year deal, he takes over in the summer. Rashford is exactly the type of young player Jose is keen to staple to the bench and mentally exhaust to the point that Rashford considers another career path. Like becoming a singer, or a real estate agent.

NOTABLE MENTION
Credit to West Ham for denying Tottenham the opportunity to join Leicester at the top of the table. Slaven Bilic has rather quietly turned the Hammers in to a team your club is afraid to play. Nobody thought West Ham had a chance at finishing in a European place this season. The way they looked on Wednesday, West Ham just might be able to challenge both Manchester clubs for fourth place.

Juan Mata looked pretty good wearing that captain’s armband. Clearly motivated him to score that beautiful free kick. And he looks like a Mediterranean, follically comfortable Wayne Rooney.

5 Things We Learned From The Prem This Weekend – Feb. 29

1) Arsene Wenger hates football
Can you blame him? There is zero journalism behind that claim, but it’s a pretty fair assumption. The Frenchman has been close on several occasions since The Invincibles made him seemingly invincible. But Arsenal proved AGAIN, even with Manchester United‘s reserves in front of them, they can’t find another gear and couldn’t break their curse at Old Trafford. Where was the desire? Just one win in 14 trips north to the red side of Manchester. Unable to pull off a league double over United for the first time in nine seasons. And worse, unable to keep pace with their North London rivals who seem as hungry as Leonardo Di Caprio to tell you about the dangers of climate change.

2) Manchester United’s best player is 18 years old
Well, so much for the debate about “do United need Wayne Rooney as much as Wayne Rooney needs United.” You know who enjoyed that match even more than Spurs supporters and Marcus Rashford‘s mum? Chinese football. All of it. Anyone in the world’s most populous country that has anything to do with football. Because, what United and the rest of the world learned in Rooney’s absence on Sunday, was that United don’t need to pay over £300k a week for a player that used to score a ton of goals.

I’m not saying Rashford is “the saviour” United have been searching for since Sir Alex retired. Nor am I saying England will win Euro 2016 this summer with Rashford, Jamie Vardy and Saido Berahino leading the attack. But it’s pretty remarkable, and a bit depressing if you’re a Red Devils supporter, that Rashford has scored as many goals in two matches as Radamel Falcao managed to bag in 29 games. The papers won’t let Jose Mourinho hear the end of it when he sends Rashford on-loan to Sporting Braga next season…

3) The King Power Stadium is the most atmospheric ground in all the land
Is there any place you’d rather be on a matchday? Everyone in that ground knew a winner was coming. The combined feeling of relief, joy and ecstasy when Leo Ulloa bagged the winner was transmitted through the TV as prominently as nonsense from the mouth of Donald Trump.

4) West Brom love to play entertaining football
Well, watch out on Tuesday Leicester! Tony Pulis has a new found affinity for entertaining, attacking football. Starting proven frontman is a key to capitalizing on tiki taka. Three goals in 19 minutes. Who are these Baggies?

5) Branislav Ivanovic isn’t completely useless
Well done to Fraser Forster for going 708 minutes without allowing a goal. After Shane Long put the Saints in front, I thought that was it for Chelsea. But I was wrong. And I was wrong about Branislav Ivanovic. Honorary armband or not, he still has value for a club like Chelsea. He just hated Jose Mourinho.

NOTABLE MENTION
I’ll end with the priceless advice Manuel Pellegrini left us with in Manchester City’s Capital One Cup triumph over Liverpool: Sometimes it is better to trust your Willy instead of your Hart.

5 Moves I Want To See On Deadline Day

Happy Jim White day!

5) Moussa Dembélé to Spurs 
Because isn’t it hilarious when a club has two players with the same name? I am sure I’m not the only one that read that link this week and thought “when did Spurs sell him back to Fulham?”  I haven’t watched much of Fulham since their departure from the bright lights of the Premier League, but The Cottagers seem hell bent on denying Tottenham the shirt printing nightmare of employing the name twins.

Easy to understand, Fulham may find themselves playing League One football next season if they don’t bulge the old onion bag on a more consistent basis. The 19 year-old French Dembélé has bagged 11 goals this season and will surely earn himself a summer move if the two London clubs can’t agree on something today.

4) Anyone of quality to Aston Villa 
You knew that one was coming. Villa are apparently still hot for Arsenal‘s Mathieu Debuchy, and while the Frenchman would be a massive upgrade at right-back, it’s a goalscorer Remi Garde really needs to find before 23:00 GMT. But I fear he won’t be able to convince one, that anyone has ever heard of, that the cause is worth joining. He should take a stab at Aiden McGeady who is desperate for playing time ahead of Euro 2016. Doesn’t anyone have a phone number for Demba Ba?

Rumours of captain Micah Richards leaving for Sunderland are unsettling. I fear it will be an uneventful day in Birmingham.  Unless Birmingham City re-sign Christophe Dugarry. He is only 43.

3) Loic Rémy to Newcastle
I enjoyed one of the best weekends of my life in Newcastle, but I don’t have as much of an affinity towards Newcastle Untied as my previous podcast predictions might suggest. I do however understand the devastation that losing both northeast giants and Villa would be for the English game.  Loic Rémy still has plenty to offer, as he’s already shown on Tyneside. Steve McLaren has spent wisely since taking over and a move to bring the French frontman back up north should surely pull the Magpies out of this relegation dog fight.

2) Lavezzi to Manchester United 
The fans are demanding action today, and Louis van Gaal is terrified he’s going to lose his job. He will by season’s end, which is exactly why sadly I think it’s unlikely United make a big move today. But since PSG‘s forgotten forward has decided that China really isn’t the place for him, despite the Asamoah Gyan-type money Beijing Guoan were prepared to pay him, maybe a move to Manchester is in the cards today. Out of contract at season’s end, he wouldn’t cost the premium that his quality should garner. And it’s no secret United are dying for a creative player that can electrify Old Trafford, like the good old days.

1) Neymar to Real Madrid
The idea of Barcelona selling the son of the world’s richest footballer’s dad mid-season is ridiculous. But the idea of Flo Perez throwing every commodity at his disposal for the apple of his eye (of the week) would keep the Spanish papers operating at pre-austerity measure highs for months. And since Real won’t have the usual luxury of buying whomever they like in upcoming windows, why not meet Neymar‘s €180 million release clause?

It may take less a few Mediterranean islands to convince the Brasilian to make the turncoat move Luis Figo made sixteen years ago. I think Neymar would love the opportunity to be the top man. Of course, that would mean Cristiano Ronaldo returns to Manchester United. And that, for any fan that enjoys watching Premier League football, would be magical.

5 Things We Learned From The Prem This Weekend – Jan. 24

1) Arsenal lack the mental fortitude to be champions
Arsenal will never have as good a chance to win the Premier League title as they do right now. Chelsea may never again be as ‘out of the picture’ as they are this season. Which makes Sunday’s loss at home, no matter how many men they finished with, all the more disappointing.

Continually criticised for a lack of leadership, you won’t find better, high octane, premium fuel for that argument. Arsene Wenger conceded defeat the moment he sacrificed Olivier Giroud. Without the Frenchman battling in the penalty area, encouraging Flamini and Özil to stretch Chelsea, the Gunners were no threat. All Guus had to say at halftime was, “don’t move beyond a three step radius, and they’ll beat themselves.”

Laurent Koscielny would be a great choice to replace John Scott at the NHL All-Star game this weekend. How Mark Clattenburg didn’t see that bodycheck on Cesc Fabregas as a clear-cut penalty, I’ll never understand.

2) Nine goal matches are incredible 
Liverpool‘s 5-4 win at Norwich was one of the best matches you’ll ever see. I’ve been saying it for years, defending is overrated. Liverpool showed their true colours. They’re capable of scoring goals, even without a consistent number 9. And they continue to find new ways to concede.

Jürgen Klopp should take this rare image changing opportunity and replace his broken glasses with a pair that Steven A. Avery’s dad Allan would wear. Shoutout to Making a Murderer. Best show on Netflix.

3) Manchester United’s endless problems are still there
When you’re Manchester United, one shot on target against any opposition is unacceptable. LVG was quick to defend his side by praising the five men Ronald Koeman employed at the back. But his excuse won’t win any more love back from the faithful who have begun to realize their Top 4 dreams are looking less and less likely.

Fitting weekend for Angel Di Maria to create goals from nothing and set the internet on fire.

4) Charlie Austin has still got it
If there was a way to measure winning consecutive matches at Old Trafford for the first time since 1969, I think it would be equal to the £4 million Southampton paid for Charlie Austin last week.

Liverpool, Villa, Newcastle and all the others who bauked at his price tag in the summer will regret not signing him up when they had the chance.

5) England will be just fine with Dele Alli up front
He keeps getting better and better. MK Dons raved about his character, and now we can legitimately rave about his quality.

He’s still very raw, and England aren’t going to win Euro 2016 because he’s in the side. But they weren’t going to anyway. And whether he scores highlight reel goals like the one at Selhurst Park, doesn’t matter. Spurs are a much better side with Alli on the pitch, and wouldn’t be in the driver’s seat to finish in the Top 4 without him.

NOTABLE MENTION

When you write a six page love letter to a company you’ve always wanted to work for, you listen to too much Drake.

West Ham set the tone with Antonio Valencia scoring less than a minute in. But the Hammers just aren’t good enough to regularly beat the teams above them.

Joe Hart‘s quality has been questioned in the last couple years, and there is always the asterix next to his name because of the quality of the side in front of them. But he showed on Saturday how spectacular he can be.

Oh how quickly life can change in the Premier League. Some Everton fans calling for “Martinez and Howard out!” after Francesco Guidolin‘s debut win.  Swansea may have turned things around just as the Toffees are headed the wrong way with just one win in six now.

One goal in 259 matches and Robert Huth thinks he should be taking dead balls from just outside the box? When you’re top of the table you can laugh when your CB and thirsty winger go for the same kick.

If there was ever any doubt, Crystal Palace desperately need a goal scorer. Vertonghen is the first one to get them a goal in six matches! Palace deserved something from that derby.

First time I’ve seen Emmanuel Petit working as an analyst. Wonder if that means he’s not going to star in season 4 of Vikings?